First, you probably doubt that I haven't all the answers. Proof of this : I still have asked some question myself, which seem to be pretty hard for the community... Truth is, if your were to at least try and offer a real answer, it really may help... Because simple is not always the same from person to person.
Second, I'm sorry I didn't answered this one before. I have seen that you had posted it, and planned to answer it already. It's just that life hasn't give any slack lately, so I'm a bit late, but there I am.
So... How to fix a life? Seriously? That one I haven't worked out for myself yet. Reality is that life can't really be fixed. The universe made us exactly like he needed to. We have these limits that we use so we are useful to it but to put it simply : If you are born, that you perceive even for only a few second, then die, your life is working well. There isn't much to it. What we experience in the instant we live and the how much we force ourselves to continuously exist is our problem.
Thus, happiness, which is probably what you are seeking right now, with a touch of internal peace, comes with what we choose and do. Pain knows no other limit than the time we got to live. Happiness on the other hand is limited by the time factor AND the external source factor. In the end, only the capacity to live is truly limited and thus the most precious when you choose to do something with it.
I could simply answer to you that all problems are solved with time and patience. Which is true, but still probably not what you want to hear right now. So I'll simply ask you to remember that fact while I continue to explain other things.
Religion tell us that we would have a good life by being altruists, and that karma heals itself exponentially. It may be true about karma, but the part about altruism is a little bit misunderstood. You see, an altruist would never really think of himself and in time, he would end up his life having helped a lot of person who would not help him in return and this can be harmful to ones happiness by diminishing the time factor radically. Of course the altruist life would also be intricately tied to the life of who is he helping. At times he or she may found itself in a situation where helping who he already has will prevent him to help who he should be helping.
The mostly known alternative to this is the Egoist. The egoist is also a bit misunderstood for what would in fact be a not fully formed egoist. A not fully formed egoist would think only of itself, thus ending most of the time alone and taking decision that may help in the now but will be harmful in the future.
The solution to this for a maximized quantum equilibrium of your possibilities is to become a perfect egoist, thus becoming also ego-centrical and in the end, ultra-subjective. (Because since we are here to perceive differently, objectivity is not possible without destroying what makes us feel and thus being humans.)
There I must explain myself because this may seem pretty pejorative to you. It in fact is not really much anything else than using the right word in the right places. (Semantics.)
Being a Ego-centered person, you will learn to see what do you want, who you are, who do you serve and who do you trust. In fact it does not means much more than : You must define yourself by your own standards, and not those of your parents, nor friend, nor religion, nor science, nor anything really. Once this is done, you'll find your self with a really small ensemble of belief and value that are really you. Define yourself taking only what you want to believe and are ready to defend as your own later. Of course in the process of finding where does your real faith lie, you probably re-introduce in your persona some traits that come from your environment, but only those that you are capable to attune with. In the end, you'll obtain a mapping of your subjectivity. A thing that we could call here, your truth.
Your truth is what you can actively defend a true with your knowledge and understanding of the compromise that is reality. In the end, what are we always talking about? Us. With who's eyes are we seeing? Ours. Trying to be in someone else's skin so that you can help them can be made only if you acknowledge than in the end, you'll always end up thinking and doing and saying only what you as a separated human point of perception can do. As a part of the whole, you and only you can come up with the quantum probability you have. Even is some people can see the plausible path of your action, they'll never experience what it is to be you. Being ego-centered becomes at that point not a flaw, but a wisdom. (Do not confuse this with being ego-maniacal.)
In the process, at one point or at one other, there is suppose to come light on an another point. You can not live on your own. We as human were never been made to, and never totally will be. Our principal function is to share. What is a perfect egoist then? A perfect egoist is an intelligent one. It is someone that understand than even if she can't save the world, she won't survive AND reach happiness nor freedom alone. Freedom is a fight too heavy for a lonely soul.
A perfect egoist use this knowledge to preserve and conquer its own happiness. Calculating that if she does not have friends, what she does have no value. And when she'll be in trouble, nobody will come for her. Thus the perfect egoist has friends. True friends, as her first objective.
Blood can be used as friends, but usually they are not good at this. Families based on blood instead of way of thinking always bother themselves with tradition and authority and ancient reasoning that may become abstract. Of course you could try and change the way of thinking of your gene-pool by teaching them your own point of view, but the fact that you are still young may be a problem for them if they are conservatives.
In the end, the perfect Egoist build a new family of the persons she choose. Those will be the target of her attention and the reason for her work. Because if the soul-family is healthy, then they can be left on their own and help you back. For this, you must share a communal goal. The communal goal will be the incentive for the soul family to stick together and change what they can in the world so they in the end gradually begin to increase their quantum path to happiness. Those persons can and will at time be more important to the perfect egoist than itself, because the perfect egoist not only is searching for happiness and freedom. It is searching for it to perdure and still be an open option for one's child.
I guess in the end it could be called reverted altruism. The action of taking care of other for the benefit of the group chosen according to our own goals. If somebody that you try to include in the soul-family is a threat to it, then do not. If helping someone is possible do it, but do not leave the group to do so. If helping someone is a danger to yourself, then do not do it, instead this danger to your own could preserve the group which anyway is searching in the long term for the same goals than you.
I firmly believe than by applying theses rules of conduct, following sincerely your own code of honor, making your code known and lying only when you are sincere about what you say or desire to see happens, you are maximizing your chances at having a life agreeable to perceive. Which it you still experience things and learn still please God or any entity that may have wanted us to be here in the first place.
But for all this you have to introspect and learn to be firm about who you are, what do you want, who do you serve and who do you trust. Those are question that each human being wanting to be less confused in his or her life should be able to answer to. But there again, here also there is a trick :
1- Who are you? : You should not answer this question with a name, occupation, dream, qualitative or quantitative. Those are all plausible and expected answers but they can all be altered by context of oneself and thus the answer cannot be taken seriously at first. And then again, none of this is really you in a global and truthful way.
Once you get to the bottom of it, you probably be simplifying yourself in a single sentence.
My own is : I am the rejected of my race that will find the purpose of its life by scarifying itself to its love.
This can also be represented in simple active priorities. Usually quite a few since those must be goals that drive you in life.
My own is :
1.1 - Find love.
1.2 - Have a career in the artistic domain that can help me preserve the above.
1.3 - Creating a new family that will be of a better context than my gene pool for the sake of preserving all of the above.
Something quite as simple is probably hidden beneath many layers of futility. Learned in course of your years of life. In the end, once you know theses for yourself, it will help you save time by not fighting battle that have no effect on you own life. (Read : A battle that rise the level of well being of an area where we may find ourselves is always important to oneself.)
2 - What do you want : What do you want may be similar in a way to who you are. Except that what you are is supposed to be possible and what you want isn't always. Your desire form the second layer of your subjectivity. There it is not just a question of what are you drived by, but how would you like it to be.
In fact there is a good chance for life to never turn that way, but knowing what we want may come in handy when dealing with other and short term goals and experiences. Always be cautious with what you may want. Not only it usually happen imperfectly, but it could also lead you out of the track of who you are.
EXEMPLE : You may want to have a good relation with your gene pool right now, but this may be not who you are. Maybe you just can't have this at the moment and should move on with what you are instead of losing time on what you want.
You can have as much different desire as you could imagine, just try to keep them in order of priority so that you concentrate on what is the most important in each situation.
3 - Who do you serve? : This is really important. Who do you serve could be someone you are subjected to, or someone that is subjected to you. The best is for it to be both. Always serve those who already go in the same direction than you are. If they need guidance, then your service to them is leading for a time. If they need a hand, then give them a hand to be subjected to their brains. The answer to this should be your soul family. As explained before, gene pool can also become soul family but this is about choices, subjectivity and desire of a group.
4 - Who do you trust? : This is relevant in the way it will be the category in which there is supposed to be the least. You may serve somebody that you do not trust quite yet. (Remember that we sometime must serve by leading.) The person that you should trust are the person which have the most criticism and still are not trying to get you off your path. In other word, these are the persons that can solve the problem you can't while not trying to get you to be someone else than yourself. Those are people that usually have already proven that they can accept your choices, your anxiety, your worst and hopefully wishes the same better. Theses persons should be the only ones who could justify that you would risk your life for an individual.
Serious love interest usually take place in that category.
Why all those questions?
Simple. Once you have destroyed all of which you cannot defend, cleansed yourself of all the confusion, rid yourself of all that is not functional with your goal and belief, you should have a more rational point of view and a clearer intuition about what is important to you and how to react to obtain it. But never forget that in this you must also know your flaws. These are the reason why you mustn't try to fight the world alone. Reality is only a compromise, thus you must stay in compromise to give reality to who you are and you happiness.
This was guidance on how to fix a life. All of it is theoretical even if proved by practice. Fact is, it is not easy. It take a lot of humility and practice to masteries it. Then you'll sometimes find the occasional and particular problem you have not thunked of yet. Now...
About the particular problems you mentioned :
1 - Dad, refuses everything I do,wear or even say
Yes, of course. He is the man of the house isn't it? But does he explain why he refuse it? If he don't then use this against him. Parent who are not able of making their child understand (not obey) will never gain any respect. Ask for his reasoning. Learn how he think and use his subjectivity to make him understand your point of view. If he try to explain himself, let him, you need a faint. See what you can keep of what he really want to accommodate him with your own desire. If he doesn't want to explain himself, then act with him as if he had already lost. Show him that as a human being you need respect, and that if you do not see or understand his point, he has as much chances as you of being wrong. People that are not able to explain themselves are subjected to others point of view and thus does not merit the same respect. You can help him by forcing him to find his own reasoning on his action.
Then again, you are 13... so I think you may be old enough to find yourself a job. With your own money and responsibility, you could burn all your old clothing and be left with only what you want to wear. I doubt that he would prefer you to be nude. Such a reckless action would show to him your resolve and in the end corner him with only two choices :
1 - make you understand.
2 - control you by fear and oppression.
You can destroy the second option by showing him that however hard he tries, he would change you. By beating you or screaming at you, he offer you the chance to look him in the eyes and tell him that he has already lost because all of this does not mean anything to you. You are still his daughter, whatever he can try or say, but you are also a conscious and autonomous organism. This means that in the end, if he kills you, or commit sins against you, he'll be forced to go against his own religion. Show to him that he has no other choice than to accept the fact that he cannot control your mind, and that if he try, someday he will loose you. Remember him that as your father, there is good chances that he dies before you and that you will one day live without him. Thus, if he wants you to be his legacy on earth, if he want you to continue the tradition he love and believe in, he has no other choice but to prove to you that it is of some use to your own good. Be ready to explain yourself. Never accept "because", or "or it is written", or "I'm older show me some respect" as an answer. Those are not. Human being changes, the world also changes, thus human beings and values can become obsolete or dysfunctional. But by confronting him, you must be ready to present an alternative to what he say. Fight only if you got a solution. Be prepare to never give such self contained answer yourself. Prove to him that you do not do this by hate, but either because you respect him also as a human being. I could resume this by, if you want to kill, be prepared to be killed yourself.
Of course I do not wish for anybody to die, but the thought is the same. If you want him to explain himself and do compromise with you, you also must be ready to at least look like if you were trying your best to accommodate what he thinks. In the end, I strongly believe that we all strive for what we think is best, also, you should never thinks someone wrong if you are not able to state why.
2 - Mom, doesn't give me her love when I need it
Well, maybe your family (gene pool) is not working so right right now. As I understand it, they may be quite some fight and verbal violence in your home right now. She may be also troubled. I think that you should try to make your mother understand who you are and where do you stand. She may be able to help you understand your father and even become a strong ally as she may also be a victim of all these close minded nonsense.
It is hard to give love to both side of an argument. As a wife, she must think of her husband before anything else, and this is commendable.
But as her children, maybe it is time for your to reconsider your mom. I mean, could you alleviate her of some work? Help her in any way? If things have been pretty rough at home lately, I guess showing to your mother that you changing in your own self human being does not stop you from being her daughter could be touching for her. Think of this : If your father is not perfect, and that your are not also, then why your mom would be?
Answer : She probably is not.
The reason why she may take her distance from you maybe is because she is already working that one on her own. Maybe she even blame herself for not being the perfect mother and not having created the perfect daughter for her husband and herself.
This would be fact. What can you do with it?
You could try to talk with your mother alone about this. That you understand that you are not perfect, but that she is not also. Thus, you should both try to work knowing that instead of blaming yourself for not being who the other want you to be. Creating this acceptance and being here for her as you become progressively more aware and she become progressively more ditched out by the world could help you revert the relation for the years to come, which would be normal. Our parent teach us what they know when we are young so that we can survive. But with time the world changes and parents have been absent from it a long time to teach us. One day come where the child may know more about the present than her parents. She'll never know as much about the past, but her parents may need her someday to be still working when they will be older. You will someday be the link between your mother and the ever changing reality. If it is now that it separates you, do not be afraid to make sure this is understood by everyone in your house. You are growing to be an adult also one day. This come with the difficult acceptance that there is a good chance that you will fail as hard as they did when you'll realize that nothing really change who you are... They have once been child themselves.
Once you and your mother acknowledge that your relation must now go to the next step, maybe you will be able to start communicating again and show some love to each other. In fact, maybe you should also define in your words what does this lack of love is and ask her for more of it.
3 - Brothers, bothering 24. Hrs
I'll guess here because you do not explain a lot that this bothering comes either from younger or older brothers.
Younger : They are on your back to do like mom and dad and are seeking acceptance from the family. Animal instinct teach us to do that when we are young so that parent do not abandon us. It is a question of survival. Begin to build your new relationship with your parent and they should calm themselves.
Older : It may be rage. Did you remember a time when your brother did also tried to go against your parents and got oppressed? If yes, try to understand them. Teach them to recognize that they are only perpetuating the cycle of suffering they once lived themselves. Try to learn more about them and let them know more about you. Be the one that is their strength in their own passage to the life they have in the future. If they do not want to, then remember them you are there for them but that respect is gained threw respect and that you may also get rid of them someday.
4 - Crush, makes me feel like I am losing Counsiouss
Maybe cuz I love him while I don't know when to tell him which makes me think about him more.
It may be that, it may also be bad pressure. I have low pressure myself and without coffee I would not go very far. I use a combination of coffee and energy drink and use more than a normal person should to keep me alert and conscious. The fact is that I can take more than other because those are supposed to keep you awake by acceleration your pressure, which bring me to a normal rate.
Then there is the option of pheromones, or simply the need of escape virtualized in the option of this guy which may be you first step to create your own family and quit the mistakes of the one you have now. (About this, remember that people not wanting to help themselves do not require your time, only more motivation.)
If this is really your crush, and there is a good probability that it is, then I'll give you this answer : There isn't a bad time to tell a guy than you are in love with him except when it is too late. In other words, you should tell him the faster you can.
Second thing about that is that guys are shy and afraid because modern culture make them look like monster. We, guys, lives in the constant failure of our predecessor. We are born accused by our balls of being rapist, sexual maniacs, dumb, and many others... We may not look like it, but it hurts our feelings.
Thus, in our modern days, it isn't as much common as in the old time for the guy to do the first steps.
We sometimes try our best to look like we are interested while in the same time never really state our intention because we fear that the girl will think we are pervert and that she will run away. By telling a guy you may be in love with him, you may plunge him into a great deal of thinking, but it is better than to wait untill he get depressed and run away because he think you finally are not interested in him.
Maybe that makes us idiots... I don't know... Just do not wait too long before telling someone you have feeling for him. He could find someone else because he lost hope. Or simply loose hope and take a turn for the worst. If you want your knight in shinning armor, do not wait until the guy turn into misogyny.
I do hope this helps you, and sincerely ask if you could take your time on my question, even if it is to state you do not know...
Because in the end, as we do not know what will be the best course in the future, there is never a totally stupid answer...
It depends on how do we understands it, with time, and patience.
Lun 7 Mai - 2:57
